Responding to Feelings Biblically (Cravings and "Withdrawal")

It goes without saying that it is exceptionally difficult to overcome bulimic behavior and the out-of-control, obsessive thoughts that accompany binges and the pre-binge, planning stage. Unlike someone with an alcohol problem, whose "cravings" and strongest temptation to drink might be limited to Friday or Saturday nights, bulimia tends to cause entrenched thoughts about food and eating during nearly every waking moment.

Even after we've confessed this as sin and recognized Christ as the answer to overcoming the eating disorder, the feelings (of panic; of temptation; loss of control; guilt)are very real. How are we to respond to our feelings biblically in these situations?

First of all, even in the midst of temptation (to use food as "comfort" or tool to avoid pain), the Christian bulimic must remember what her goal should be. Her focus should not be on how she feels, but on pleasing God. Rather than using food as a drug to "stuff" those feelings and minimize them, the biblical goal is to provide victory (abstain from using food in an ungodly way) when feelings make it difficult. The "victory cry" of Romans 8:35 affirms that failure is not inevitable, even in difficult circumstances and intense temptation: "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."

Rather than focusing on our feelings (or obsessing over entries in a "food journal",) we need to remember that the most satisfying thing in life is not feeling good; better; or being able to consume unlimited supplies of food - knowing that only guilt and despair will follow the binge - but in pleasing God. (See 2 Corinthians 5:9 and James 1:25). Of course, knowing and meditating on these verses does not mean that the anxious thoughts and cravings will immediately be removed, but having an eternal perspective means the bulimic will not be controlled by them (1 Cor. 10:13; Galatians 5:16).

Also, someone who is accustomed to being "feelings-driven" can learn to turn her attention from her feelings to how she may best serve the Lord. Concentrate on serving your family and others (without putting yourself in the way of unnecessary temptations, such as baking for the church bake sale!). This is not a distraction tactic, it is a deliberate choice to obey the Lord's command to look not only to one's own interests (or feelings), but firstly to the interests of others (Phil. 2:4).

The more we deliberately turn our attention from our feelings and cravings to how we may best please God, the less significant those feelings become (and consequently, the eating disordered-individual is no longer ruled by them.) Whether stuck in an eating disorder or any other habitual sin, shifting our focus from ourselves to God and learning to deal with emotions biblically is a necessary first step.

Ana, Mia, and the Oxymoronic "Christian Emo"

Image courtesy of Katie Halpin

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Philippians 4:7-8

It is after much prayer and seeking God that I write this...in response to a growing, disturbing trend I see among young women.

Question: When did developing an identity, based on wallowing in negative emotions and/or self-destructive behavior, become a virtue? Yes, I am talking about the proliferation of "how-to" sites and groups, dedicated to teaching young people how to become "better" anorexics or bulimics; how to cut; and how to develop an "emo" (dark emotional) personality. To make matters worse, more and more professing Christian teens and young adults are getting sucked into this morbid lifestyle.

Following a discussion of the unedifying, "victimization" lyrics of many popular Christian bands today, I found a site entitled "How to Be a Christian Emo" that confirmed what I'd begun to suspect: the attention-seeking "emo" label is now one that not only the world wears with pride; it has invaded the Church. (It even has a name - Urban Dictionary uses the term "chremo"). From the website:

Some may think that Christianity and Emo are incompatible, due to stereotypes in the scene like self-harm and intentional depression. In this article, you will learn to eschew these stereotypes, start an Emo fashion and still glorify God.

Right. So we're going to concentrate on cultivating an image of being dark, brooding, introspective and emotive...without actually being dark, brooding, introspective and emotive. Makes sense to me. (At least they conceded that self-harm does not actually glorify God). Exactly how does any of this - even building an artificial image or facade - glorify God? Does He not command us to "fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith" (Hebrews 12:2) and "set our minds on things above, not on earthly things"( Colossians 3:2)?

The article continues:

Listen to Christian rock, especially artists signed to Tooth & Nail Records, Credential Recordings and Solid State Records, a metal and division of Tooth & Nail Records. Listen to bands such as Underoath, Norma Jean, POD As I Lay Dying, and Showbread and Flyleaf. and the band Skillet" and Anberlin.

What had gotten me started examining the connection between "emo" music, CCM, and all the teens I've been talking to recently who are cutting and/or purging was the discussion of how often these themes seem to be coming up on the lyrics of today's popular "Christian" bands. I said,

"I am CONVINCED, absolutely, that some of these teens and young adults are getting IDEAS (not necessarily from the artists themselves, but even from each other) and are starting these behaviors, which they see as somehow legitimate and heroic. Even the weepy music itself paints them as “victims”. Don’t get me wrong – abuse is evil and those who are abused are victims. I get that. But glorifying self-abusive behavior, in the name of victimization — even in a song supposedly intended to “raise awareness” of the behavior? NOT cool. Sorry, but these “Christian artists” should know that these songs are neither edifying nor Christ-exalting. You do not need a degree in biblical counseling to know that.

Speaking of the Bible, I cannot seem to get these girls to spend as much time reading it as they do listening to this type of “Christian music”. I am convinced it just makes them slide more deeply into self-pity.

When we take our eyes off of Christ and His finished work on the Cross and put it back on ourselves, (which IS what this genre of music is doing), we’re going to go further away from Him. Believe me, I stand in judgment of no one; I’ve done it myself (and still do). But somehow it feeds the fleshly desire for attention, validation, and vindication. When the Bible tells us to sing and make music in our hearts to God, somehow I don’t think this is what the holy Spirit was talking about. Someone battling emotional problems would do better to sing “How Great Thou Art”, “In Christ Alone”, “Lord of All” or “Blessed Be Your Name” than some of this stuff."

When I was a teen, eating disorders were common (perhaps even more so than now), but cloaked in secrecy and shame. We knew instinctively that starving to excess and purging was damaging to our bodies and nothing to be proud of. Those of us who developed true addictions to this behavior lived in dread of getting caught; fearful of seeking help. We had never even heard of"cutting" or other forms of self-mutilation. Nowadays, however, this behavior is commonplace and almost seems to be a badge of pride among the under-25 set.

Listen to some of the lyrics of Christian "emo" bands, and you can see why.

Do We Raise Awareness, or Raise Up the Cross?

I do not beleive all this "raising awareness" is having a positive net effect. Talking about these deeds of darkness, offering unconditional sympathy and "support" to those practicing EDs and cutting in place of compassionate, Christ-centered counsel, and glorifying the depressing, "dark nights of the soul" that are common to adolescence is neither edifying nor does it "spur one another on to love and good deeds" (Hebrews 10:24). Folks, the whole point of counseling is to effect change - first heart change (away from sin; re-orienting our hearts and minds towards Christ and His way, laid out in the Bible); and ultimately outward change (in our behavior, as we are re-made into the image of Christ).

I wish that you could see my heart as I type these words. I do not express this with a spirit of judgment, harshness, or "legalism". The burden I feel and frustration I experience as I see girl after girl deceived and entrapped by Satan and his lies is crushing, at times. I know how hard it is to walk out of that prison of self-pity and self-absorption, and it's made all the harder when we surround ourselves with messages and flesh-pleasing music that feeds into our morose attitude.

So many of the people who write to me don't really seem to want to change; they have gotten so used to where they are. Every suggestion I make is shot down; which is fine, but if a counselee refuses to read her Bible, it it truly counsel she wants, or just someone to feel sorry for her? Remember, the two main areas where Satan attacks us is through doubt and discipline. When we doubt, usually it is because we are not in the Word. Bible reading and prayer are spiritual disciplines, which means we must do them whether we feel like it or not. Once that goes out the window, Satan has us where he wants us: at the mercy of our emotions.

Does Jesus Care About our Emotions?

Of course He does! God loves each one of you personally, and cares deeply about everything that happens to or affects you. Recently, I was talking at length with a Christian friend about the role of the believer's emotions, and how God, while He does not exist strictly to meet our emotional needs, is Himself an emotional Being and as such, we are made in His image. (Shout out to Jen: read her great post on the matter here). The Gospels are full of accounts of Jesus responding with tremendous compassion to people....mere sinners like us. When the widow of Nain (Luke 7) wept over her dead son, Jesus' "heart went out to her, and He said, 'Don't cry' " (verse 13). When Mary and Martha, whom He loved, mourned the loss of their brother, He wept right along with them. In the Garden, we see the intensity of sorrow and emotion He was able to experience as a fully human Savior.

Additionally, we see great men of God weeping and, yes; falling into depression over the sin of Israel and rejection of God. Elijah, Jeremiah ("the weeping prophet") and the Apostle Paul anguished greatly over their countrymens' obstinacy and rejection of God. This is one reason I do not believe that depression, per se, is always a sin. There is such a thing as "godly sorrow", and it is right to be burdened for the lost and those stuck in sin. I often am driven to tears by the effects of sin and despair on the eating-disordered women I counsel.

However, the important thing to remember here is that God not only cares about our well-being, He wants to sanctify our emotions. Scripture tells us that the heart (lit. soul; our mind, will and emotions) are the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23) and the peace of God is to guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:7). By no means does God intend for us to stay in a depressive funk, wallowing around in emotions triggered by thoughts that are not from Him, hurting ourselves physically and seeking to draw the attention of others to our plight.

The Westminster Catechism articulates well what the chief end (purpose) of man is: "To glorify God and enjoy Him forever." Ask yourself this: are you glorifying God by cutting/purging/starving/attempting to appear "emo"? Are you able to serve Him while willfully remanining in that state? Are your eyes on Him (even when listening to "Christian" music that explores these themes), or are they fixed inward on self?

A Challenge to a "More Excellent Way'

I challenge you to bring these issues to the Wonderful Counselor for His perspective. I further challenge you to an experiment for one month: turn off your music, just 20 minutes a day. (I almost typed half an hour, but I don't want to scare anybody off). For just 20 minutes per day, for the next month, I want you to read your Bibles - the Gospel of John; the Book of Romans; and finally, the Epistle on Joy - Philippians. At the rate of 20 minutes per day spread out over a month, you should easily be able to digest those three New Testament books.

My purpose in offering you this assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to show you how reading, and believing, the Word of God over what the tapes in your head may be telling you will effect your emotions in a God-honoring way. Much of the reason we may be tempted toward "emo" has to do with a lack of gratitude - we forget how much God, the Creator of the universe, has done for us. The salvation He has freely given us through the death and resurrection of His Son is more than enough reason to rejoice forever - we are free from all bondage - but how easily we forget that. Forgiveness, acceptance in the beloved, eternal love, peace, hope and joy are all ours, but when we take our eyes off of Christ, we carelessly forget this.

Determine today to live a Christ-centered life - free from the trappings of self-harm and self-hatred. Check your motives and screen your music....is it truly Christ-exalting, or is it man-exalting?

Holiday Bulimia Blues?

Do you find this time of the year particularly difficult in regards to your eating disordered tendencies? Is your depression and/or bingeing more intense than usual? If so, I'd appreciate your sharing your thoughts and struggle - in the combox, by e-mail (marie4thtimemom@yahoo.com), and by participating in my poll (to the right ---->).

I have some thoughts on this and would like to get some feedback from you readers before I "crystalize" them into an entry. Even though I have been walking free from bulimia and drinking for almost 6 years, I still struggle spiritually and fight depression every year at this time. As I've often said, "spiritual problems have spiritual solutions".

Please take a moment to at least vote ~ discussion of results coming soon.

Thanks!

A Painful Anniversary

Exactly a year ago today I confessed my bulimic past to my husband, even though it had been over five years since God had delivered me from that addiction. The memory of that incident, and the painful, lonely months that followed spiritually are still difficult to think about.

In my book, I write about the importance of telling someone for accountability's sake. I also discuss why we are instructed in James 5:16, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." Concealing a sin only makes it worse, although at the time we want only to cover our shame. We are not thinking about the consequences of concealing the sin, and how exponentially worse the result will be.

From 1995-2003, there was nothing more terrifying to me than the prospect of my husband finding out about my bulimia. Even years after my deliverance, confessing the past terrified me. "Why does he need to know about that?" I rationalized. "It's ancient history. What he doesn't know won't hurt him." Whether it was the Holy Spirit's conviction or my own innate sense of logic, the counter-question that came to my heart was, "If it's all in the past and doesn't matter, why are you so afraid to tell him?"

On November 14, 2008 I told him about the bulimia, how it had started, how I had hidden it, and how, with God's grace and strength, I had ultimately walked away from it. I detail that conversation and the aftermath in my book, which, God willing, will be published next year. The upshot of it was that he was shocked and appalled that I would essentially lie to him for 13 years - it made him question what else he didn't know about me?

In my relaying of the facts, I actually forgot to apologize and intentionally seek his forgiveness, which he pointedly mentioned several days later when he chewed me out. On November 17th, I wrote in my prayer journal:

"Hope there will not be more consequences to this sin....want God to keep healing; keep using. Need assurance from God I did the right thing and didn't just make everything worse. I never "sense" God's presence anymore........Feel like I'm in a nightmare and can't wake up - tried to do right thing and it backfired. Need healing in marriage; am afraid, humbled, and broken. God cares for me? Maybe so, but we still have to reap what we sow. I have no motivation to continue right now; try to please him [my husband] or win back his trust. Also unsure where God is in all this, and what His take is on it."

I have long struggled to know exactly where I stand with God, usually equating His love for me based on my husband's. If my husband is mad at or disgusted with me, God must be too. On November 14th of last year, the bottom fell out of my spiritual life. Numb at first, I was unable to even shed tears after the initial showdown. For the first time in half a decade, I could not pray. I'd make half-hearted attempts, decide God didn't want me around, and duck my head in shame. The days slipped by while the thick fog seemed to close in around me.

It hurt just to think of Jesus, because if I allowed myself too, I would feel how much I missed Him. I had to hold God at a distance and stay stoic - if I allowed myself to love, I would become vulnerable. A wall of brick had to be reconstructed around my heart for my own protection. Never, ever let anyone see your weakness, I told myself. Keep up a strong image, at all costs. I castigated myself over and over again - first for committing the sin of bulimia in the first place; secondly for concealing it for all those years from my husband; lastly for telling him.

If I had never told.....none of this would have happened. And I would still be okay.

I guess it was never God's plan for me to stay "okay". For some reason, He allowed that terrible wounding, and the long, dark night of my soul that followed. Sometimes, I still don't feel like it's over, although I know that it is. My husband knows the full story and is very supportive of my book and the online ministry I have to other Christian women still struggling with eating disorders. None of this would ever have come about if it hadn't been for that agonizing decision to tell, and accepting the consequences that followed (including losing my husband's trust).

The lingering effect is that, some days, I still find it difficult to trust God with my heart. To believe that He is truly there, and cares about all the details of my life. My Reformed theology demands that I hold such a high view of God that I cease to matter, because, after all, "God does not exist to meet the emotional needs of the believer." But the fact is, there are some days where I feel "emotionally needy". I do not turn to food any longer, and that thought does not cross my mind. I am not about to post about my feelings, doubts and fears on Facebook, nor will I suck other believers dry by calling them up to vent or chat. It is at that moment, just then, that I long to turn to God again - as I did so spontaneously when He was freeing me from drinking and bulimia. For some reason, since I felt abandoned by Him last year, I no longer trust Him completely enough with my feelings to do that.

I wonder what John Macarthur would think of that.

There is a wound there, still not completely healed, but it is healing. Slowly. Becoming razor-sharp theologically never filled that gaping hole in my heart, although it did offer immunity against false doctrine which would otherwise have wounded me still further. I still long to be counted as God's friend, yet I know I will never be worthy, and find it easier to "work" and "minister" for Him to "earn" His love than I do to spend time alone with Him.

My mind keeps going back to last November. And I duck my head, go about my housework, and hope that someday it will all, truly, be okay.