On November 15, 2007 I found myself alone in my room contemplating the unimaginable. After a 12-year battle with bulimia and anorexia, I was left defeated and hopeless. I was done living my life prisoner to an eating disorder and wanted to end it all. As I held a bottle of pills in my hand, I thought for sure this was the answer to my pain. I would just go into nothingness, I thought. I didn't believe in God at that time. After all, if there was a God why would He let me suffer so much?
Any time I denied God I would recall my "Divine Intervention." My eating disorder started when I was 16. At 24, I decided I needed help. Still living at home with my parents, they never knew about my problem and I knew I needed to tell them. I sat on the couch with my confession on the tip of my tongue, but the words wouldn't come. I tried several nights in a row. I had lost my voice.
Finally, after another failed attempt, I went down to my room, fell on my knees and cried out to God. "God, I need your help! I can't tell them on my own. You've seen my try. Please show them. I'll even leave a book out on eating disorders for them to find."
I never did get that book out of my closet, but God heard me.
The next day my mom confronted me. She asked me if I had an eating disorder. Shocked, I told her I did and asked how she knew.
My mom was doing laundry when she heard a crash in my room. She went in to see what it was and found that the rod in my closet had collapsed. She decided to fix it and started pulling clothes, shoes, and books out of my closet. She found the book, the very one I told God I'd leave out!
God answered my prayer with no help from me.
I did get into therapy, but it didn't help. Each year I grew sicker and farther away from God.
But, despite my resistance to God, I believe he had his hand on my all along. I see this in some of the dangerous things I did, like abusing my thyroid meds to lose weight. I did it for so long I ended up with an irregular heartbeat. Doctors told me I was a heart attack waiting to happen. This still didn't stop me.
I imagine God holding my heart in the palm of his hand during those difficult times. He wouldn't let me go.
So, on that day I held the bottle of pills and considered ending my life, those memories made me wonder about God.
I thought of my friend Michelle, who years earlier told me with confidence that if she died right then she'd go to heaven. I knew Jesus had changed her life. I saw it. I wondered how and why?
A spark of divine curiosity entered my soul. A wonder to know God and a desire to seek Him.
I put down the pills, told my husband, and ended up spending 4 months in different hospitals and programs. During that time I chased after God, in all the wrong places at first-like Buddhism and (the Oprah-endorsed) "The Secret." Although those things made me feel a little better, they didn't change me. I could never get a handle on the eating disorder.
So one day in March 2008, while watching a movie on Buddha, my thoughts kept going to Jesus. I remember thinking "OK God, I want to change completely. I'm done living my life like this. I'll give this Jesus guy a try." I was truly genuine when I said it and an indescribable, perfect peace washed over me. I was also filled with a huge desire to know Jesus and I read the Bible (and understood it for the first time!) and read anything Christian I could find.
God needed me to surrender 100% to Him. I believe that is why I needed to be so badly broken. I couldn't have been freed from my eating disorder without Christ. I know this because I tried everything-therapy, meds, groups, programs, hospitals. But the moment I accepted Christ my life did a 180. I had freedom.
What my life is like today.
It's hard for me to even recognize the person I just told you about. My life is so different today! I once abused food as a way to cope with the world, now I use God to help me cope! I love learning about Christ and being in God's word. I cherish being among a body believers at CCC. God has blessed me with this church! God has also blessed me with my wonderful husband and a happy 9 mo old baby boy!
I just want to thank God for saving me! There is no place too deep or too dark that God can't reach! Thank you to everyone at Tues night bible study for helping me to continue to grow. Thanks to my husband for sticking by me; my parents and family/friends for always listening. Thanks to my in-law for being godly examples. And thank you Michelle, for boldly sharing the gospel with me.
*read at my baptism on 7.10.2011