Seven Ways to Host Thanksgiving Dinner that Supports Eating Disorder Recovery (Re-post)

I rarely write about eating disorders anymore, even from a counseling perspective; and it's rarer still that I will re-post a secular article on the subject. However, this article from blogger Allison Epstein is so spot-on that I had to share it.

Personally, I have been "recovered" (I prefer the more biblical term "transformed") for so many years that these days, quite honestly, I don't even think about these things. From the very first sentence, I was taken back in time - to the childhood holiday tables of my youth, where, for some inexplicable reason, my weight and my brother Phil's grades were the hot topics of conversation. (My other brother, Jay, who was on Ritalin before it was fashionable, usually got a pass - his volatile temper generally exempted him from his misdemeanors being scrutinized at family gatherings.)

Stop commenting on peoples' weight. For the love of Pete, just STOP it. It's unnecessary. Seriously. who cares?

Anyway, excellent article with helpful advice  that lets non-sufferers into the mind of eating-disordered people, and lets them know how they can be helpful to folks overcoming the ED mindset. Please read.



It's that time of year again: Thanksgiving. A time for food, family, friends, and football. Or, at my place, the National Dog Show, because puppies > football.

Actually, puppies > almost everything.

But for people dealing with an eating disorder (ED), the warm fuzzy aspects of Thanksgiving are often overshadowed by the looming threat in the middle of the holiday.

The giant meal, and all the emotional baggage that goes with it.

If you're hosting Thanksgiving for a guest with a history of food-related issues, you can't eliminate every single trigger from your table. But there are some small things you can do that will have a huge impact -- for them, and for all your guests.

1. Stop asking people if they've lost / gained weight

Say a relative you haven't seen in a year walks through the door. Within about 30 seconds, you can bet someone will exclaim, "Oh wow, you look fantastic. Have you lost weight?" (Weight gain could be remarked on, too -- though fatphobia tends to make people wary of doing so.)

This is a "don't" for three main reasons:

a. You're essentially saying, "Weight is the very first thing we notice in this house." I'm sure you can see why this isn't super-relaxing for guests in recovery.

b. You're not telling that person anything they don't already know. Obviously they look fantastic, whatever their weight. And if you aren't 110 percent sure their weight changes are intentional, not from stress / depression / chronic or invisible illnesses, just steer clear.

c. Weight is boring as hell. You're basically asking "Has your gravitational relationship with the earth altered slightly?"

*Yawn*

Ask how their job's going. Ask about their kids. Ask about that surprise twist last night on Scandal. Anything.

2. Talk about things other than food

"Isn't this turkey delicious?" might sound like a polite conversation-starter to you, but for someone with food-related stressors, it sounds like this:

"You aren't eating the turkey. I noticed. We're all watching you."

or

"You're eating so much of that turkey. I noticed. We're all watching you."

If food were the point of Thanksgiving, we could make an extravagant meal and eat it by ourselves any given Thursday, but we don't. The day's about togetherness and reconnecting with family (or friends, depending on how you choose to spend the holiday).

I'm not here to tell you what to talk about. You know your invitees better than I do. For example, at my house, I can guarantee you someone will shout "democratic socialism" at least once. And whatever your opinion on that, it's at least more interesting -- and less triggering -- than food.

3. Stop rationalizing your food choices

Stop me if you've heard this before:

"I skipped breakfast this morning, so it's OK if I have another slice of pie."

"Oh, I really shouldn't eat this! I'll go to the gym tomorrow morning."

Though you may not have a personal history with a restrictive ED, for someone who does, you're echoing the same kind of disordered thoughts they experience regularly.

And not only is this stressful, but it's also dangerously validating. "Normal" people think this way, they can reason, so it must be right, and I should keep doing it.

Newsflash: You can have dessert, and the world will not end. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. Also, no one really cares when you go to the gym.

Just eat your pie and carry on.

4. Put your bathroom scale away

This takes 30 seconds, and could save your guest so much stress. Why wouldn't you?

I could ask you why you need a scale anyway, since the weight-health correlation is sketchy at best, but that's an article for another day.

5. Don't use ED-specific language as a joke

"I wish I had the willpower to be anorexic -- I can't stop eating these rolls!"

"Ugh, I totally binged on sweet potato casserole."

I hear these things all the time. Please do not.

A simple "yum" or "I'm full" will suffice, thanks.

6. Offer something to do before and after the meal

It's not just the meal itself that can cause stress. Before and after dinner, negative thought cycling can really get out of control.

And while it's not your responsibility -- or within your power -- to make your guest think positive thoughts, you can offer distractions. By giving your guest something else to do, they can replace obsessive thoughts with more neutral, task-based ones.

Fortunately, this is Thanksgiving. I'm sure you have tons of things that need doing.

Ask for help doing the dishes. If they like kids, enlist them to entertain younger siblings and cousins. Go for a leisurely walk after dinner and talk about whatever comes to mind. If they know origami, have them help you make elaborately folded napkins for the table.

(This may just be part of my dream to have elaborately folded napkins at every meal. But the point stands.)

7. Don't make observations about what they're eating

Yes, even if the person is on a recovery-geared meal plan. There's enough food-related stress around Thanksgiving without someone reminding you to get XX carbohydrates on your plate.

Of course, if you're worried about the person's immediate well-being, don't ignore that. Thanksgiving shouldn't be an excuse to engage in disordered behaviors.

The National Eating Disorders Association has a toll-free helpline your guest can call if needed. And if they're on Twitter, they can use the #Thx4Support hashtag all day on Thanksgiving, where people are standing by to listen and offer real-time support.

But if that's not the case, and you're just concerned they're eating a bit too much or a bit too little, don't make a scene. They'll be fine. Trust that they're doing the best they can under unusually stressful circumstances.

---

You might notice a lot of these tips sound pretty general.

Don't engage in diet talk. Don't weigh yourself or judge others by your weight. Don't treat food as a moral indicator.

That's because the key to throwing a recovery-friendly Thanksgiving is simple: create a body-image safe space, and the rest will follow.

These tips aren't just for Thanksgiving -- they're for everyone, every day of the year.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there are puppies I should be watching.

___________________

If you're struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.

Follow Allison Epstein on Twitter: www.twitter.com/AllisonEpstein2

Will You Be Attending Jesus' Birthday Party?

The title of this post is inspired by an "event invitation" I received a few weeks ago on Facebook. For those of you not familiar with its interface, Facebook has many special interest "groups" which can plan "events", either cyber or real-time, and send out "invitations". This can actually be useful when planning a high school class reunion party, as guests RSVP online. This particular cyber-invitation, to "Jesus' Birthday Party", came from a Christian group committed to getting 1 million "fans".

Nothing wrong with that, I suppose; although in the greater scheme of things, I don't see how getting 1,000,000 people to click a button is going to evangelize unbelievers or edify Christians. However, the very philosophy behind the "invitation" intrigued me, and I'd like to share it with you as encouragement.

As I type these words, it is just past noon on Christmas Eve, 2010. My daughters are in the kitchen baking cookies; my husband has just assembled the doll carriage and Razor Scooter which "Santa" will leave under the tree tonight; and the boys are playing. Thanks to a certain Jewish oncologist, I am enjoying the first Christmas Eve in 5 years I have not had to work, and as the stuffed grape leaves and soup are all prepared, I am sitting here blogging....church is five hours off. All of these fun, relaxing activities (well, except for blogging), evoke anticipation - the expectation of something special. Of course, we as believers celebrate the coming of Jesus Christ - all of these festive touches (even the presents "Santa" leaves for the little ones) are sidebar niceties to the real event. Our five-year-old gets much more excited about Jesus than Santa Claus - the fact that he leaves presents is just icing on the cake for her...a mere party favor at Jesus' birthday celebration.

Some people celebrate "Christmas", but want to leave Christ out of it. In essence, they want to come to the party, but ignore the guest of honor. This is how the world, by and large, celebrates Christmas. But think about that....isn't that what we do, when we get so wrapped up in holiday preparations and anxiety that we lose sight of Him? For me, my prayer life often suffers this time of year because of the painful emotions "seasonal depression" I still struggle against. I still find it impossible to be joyful on demand. It makes me feel as if I'm "missing the party", because I can't seem to get in that joyful, celebratory mood that I ought. And yet, I love Jesus and want to honor Him by being at His party and glorifying Him. To have a morose or dismal attitude is to show ingratitude and rebuff the One Who gave us everything - the whole meaning of Christmas is bound up in Christ's purpose for coming to earth. The manger was eclipsed by the shadow of the cross.

If you are still in the grips of an eating disorder, this battle may be even more intense for you. You wish to be at the party, celebrating and worshipping Jesus, but fellowship (either with family or church) has the added obstacle of food addiction for you. You may be feeling isolated or alienated; ashamed because of this struggle. How can you be carefree and enjoy the Guest of Honor while the connotations of the holiday pose so much temptation to you? You may stay home from the party entirely, because you feel you simply "cannot do it" - and yet you know that if you did, you would be spurning the very One Who requests your presence.

There was a time when I couldn't have imagined a holiday without alcohol. And yet, when I began to walk through those moments of temptation in a deliberate, conscious awareness of Christ's presence and approval, the temptation faded. He was there with me, even though I could not see Him or "sense" Him, I chose to walk by faith. The same, believe it or not, applies to food addiction. No matter what is on the table, you don't have to "abstain" (restrict) or binge/purge. While you know intellectually you are no longer a slave to sin, in the face of holiday temptation, this knowledge may seem like nothing more than a pious platitude. However, think about tonight and tomorrow as Jesus' Birthday Party. You are an invited guest, along with ALL of His friends and all the host of heaven. If this party were literally taking place within the courts of heaven, and you were seated at the table with the King, would your focus be on the food?

Really, now.

I promise you that if you really consider the meaning of what, and Whom we are celebrating, you will have a new perspective. Go to the party. Honor Him with your presence. Praise Him for Who He is. And remember that He is right there next to you, fellowshipping with you and the other spiritual brothers and sisters He's blessed you with so abundantly. Enjoy Him, enjoy His people, and have a blessed and joyful Christmas!

Fear of Man Around the Holidays

Last week, I interpreted for a jury trial out of state. As I stood next to the witness stand, dutifully interpreting every sentence the prosecuting and defense attorneys asked of the witness, in the back of my mind I was worrying what the members of the jury were thinking of me. Did they think my skirt was goofy? Were my bangs uneven? Could they tell I have an accent in Bulgarian?

As you can see, insecurity (what the Bible calls "fear of man") takes many forms. Even though I haven't struggled with food addiction or drowning my feelings in alcohol in seven years, like all people, I still have to guard against this sin daily.

This is a difficult season for anorexics and bulimics for many reasons, not the least of which is worrying about "what other people think". This year, I counseled a young lady well on her way to overcoming anorexia and bulimia who struggled with the fact that her own immediate family members "watch" her when she eats dinner. In the case of someone still in the throes of an eating disorder, multiply that anxiety about tenfold! Unfortunately, the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays do tend to create as much stress and anxiety as they do joy, peace and goodwill for anorexics and bulimics. Part of this comes from the "food-centric" way we celebrate; another reason arises from tense interpersonal relationships with family members.

Broadly speaking, unresolved anger, bitterness, hurt, and unforgiveness will contribute to someone continuing on in addictive patterns. If I am holding a grudge against my mother, and I must see her socially for several hours, it will be more difficult to refrain from my old crutch: stuffing my angry, distrustful feelings with food - and then vomiting those spiteful feelings away. Sometimes family can stir up negative memories and emotions we would rather leave behind us.

Another way insecurity rears its ugly head is worrying about our appearance - specifically, about our weight. As we surrender this idol to God and we learn to eat in a God-glorifying way, we gain weight. It's healthy, necessary, and inevitable. However, we often are tempted to take our eyes off of what our Heavenly Father thinks, and obsess about the attention we believe our weight is drawing from others (although positive). I remember when I was first acheiving a healthy weight, feeling embarrassed and even a bit violated when relatives would comment on how "good I looked since I'd gained weight".

It is bound to happen, but if you are in Christ, He has promised "never to leave [you] nor forsake [you]". (Hebrews 13:5). The antidote to fear of man is not to focus on own assets or attributes; it is to cultivate a heart of thanksgiving to the Father. Regularly praise Him for Who He is, and what He has done in your life.


Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

When we get caught up in this all-too-human tendency to obsess over other people's opinions, compare ourselves with others, or become so concerned with how others view us, we need to remember the message of the Gospel and how to apply it. The Gospel is the Person and work of Christ; all that Jesus was, is, and shall ever be; all He has done and will do. This is important to get straight in our minds, because many Christians tend to see the Gospel as only having application for salvation. Until you are rightly affected by the Gospel in your day-to-day life, you will not be rightly motivated to live for the Lord Jesus Christ.
 
He has promised us His eternal friendship (John 15:15) and an Advocate with the Father (John 14:16;26). Repeatedly in the Gospels He exhorts us to live for an audience of One: God Himself (Luke 12:4-6). Stop dwelling on what others can do to you (or think of you), and imerse yourself in the Truth of His Word. He will dwell in your heart through faith this holiday season, (Eph. 3:17) and fill you with His peace and joy if you allow Him to. Pray your way through all stressful family situations, and remember that He had them too (John 7:3-9) and understands the pain.

So Let's Be Real and Talk About Christmas Already

For over a week, I have wanted to tackle the issue of the winter holidays (Christmas in particular) and the mix of numbness and emotion they churn up in the eating disordered individual.

Guess what? I've been putting it off and still don't have a well-developed outline or pearls of great wisdom to share with you, but most of my readers check in several times a day and I want to have something to say.

It is far easier writing about 2 Samuel. (Shoot, it was easier learning to spell "Mephibosheth" than writing about Christmas, emotions, and the recovering bulimic). I may be free of bulimia, but bulimia is only a symptom of the disease.

Based on the poll above, 75% of you said that your bulimia worsens around the holidays, and the remainder conceded that you feel more generally depressed at this time of year. Let's talk about that, and find some real solutions that are not pat, cliche answers.

Here's where I personally am now: I have not practiced bulimia or had any obsessive thoughts about food or weight in 6 years. Food is food. There's lots of it around the holidays. I enjoy it as much as the next person, and don't think about it too much now.

Although, of course, I used to take refuge in copious amounts of it....and alcohol, too. About to commence my seventh year of sobriety, it's a non-issue. But you know what? I'm still ambivalent about Christmas. I honestly couldn't care less. I am censoring myself somewhat as I don't want to sound overly cynical, but I just don't see the point of Christmas trees or those over-priced lawn ornaments.

People, the low-grade depression we often feel as the dreaded holidays season approaches has little to do with food, although because food is so integral a part of the "celebrations", we have conditioned ourselves to associate the "holiday" with the food. Anxiety, stress, inadequacy...how about feelings of SPIRITUAL FAILURE - build up to where we may use (or have used in the past) food as a drug to numb and comfort ourselves.

I just touched a raw nerve, didn't I?

You see, as a (former) bulimic, one who happened to love and fear God, Christmas always stirred up conflicting emotions in me. (I was tempted to use the term "cognitive dissonance", but decided it sounds too psycho-babbley). We're talking about hypocrisy, basically. Here we have this "season" of synthetic joy; packaged gaiety - and we're expected to play along whole-heartedly. You see, I have always found it difficult to be joyful on demand. We are celebrating - along with our fellow redeemed, walking-with-God brethren, agnostics, secular humanists and virtually every other stripe of humanity - the event of the birth of Christ. Supposedly. Okay, but let's say, as Christians, that's really what it's about for us.

And what is the meaning behind the Incarnation? That God took on human flesh and came to earth to redeem all who would receive Him - the vilest of sinners. Yup, even us bulimics. Only trouble is, we couldn't stop abusing our bodies long enough to commemorate His taking the trouble. In my testimony, I recall how one year I resolved to stop drinking and being bulimic as a "gift" to Jesus. Advent had barely begun before I failed - painfully.

For someone with an addiction, Christmas is an extremely painful season. It's not just a day; it's in your face before you've finished purging all the Halloween candy. Being joyful, much less rejoicing in Christ, is impossible while you're still in the pit. We need Him to pull us out of it, but we don't know how to start. The contrived "specialness" that we are told Christmas can be does nothing to help.

The only creature lonelier than a Christian bulimic is a Christian bulimic on Christmas.

The Ghosts of Christmas Past

But there's more...what happened, back before you were in the pit? People do not generally develop addictions in vacuums. Now, as I've written before, it is unbiblical to blame your addiction on anyone or anything else - we must take responsibility for our own choices - but if you became bulimic, there was a void you were trying to somehow fill. A desire for love? Acceptance? Does Christmas bring back memories of family dysfunction...quarreling parents....scathing criticism for grades, behavior, looks? The hurt and embarrassment of glares over second helpings; reminders of the caloric value of mashed potatoes? Raging, drunken grandparents? Hateful tormenting (by adults or children)? To this day, my parents reject the Gospel and mock me for my faith. I've never met a bulimic who cannot relate to some of these memories, although many people who never develop addictions also share them. If you did not come from a loving nuclear family, it's likely you feel ambivalent about Christmas.

Holidays as fraught with associations as Christmas is are bound to bring up memories, good or bad. When food is the "comfort blanket" you've clung to for so long, the season is bound to be harder. All the more, you need to practice "taking every thought captive" and spending time with God, putting on the armor of God before going out into the day (in a world, by the way, which loves to attend His party but disdains the Guest of Honor).

My Post-Bulimia Apathy

And yet, at the end of the day, do you know I was much closer to God six years ago, during my season of deliverance, that I feel right now? There is only one explanation for that: I was clinging to Him. Like the woman of John's Gospel, when I bathed His feet with my tears, He was faithful to lift me up. And I stayed there, broken and needy, by His side. I felt that closeness; not in an emotionally-driven sense, but as an obedient disciple will always feel His presence - even when you don't subjectively "feel" Him.

No matter how long ypu've been free of bulimia, you never forget the sweetness of that fellowship.

Intimacy with God is based on obedience, pure and simple. And...what did Jesus tell us to do unceasingly? Pray. My prayer life has suffered. My sense of dependence on Him is superficial. I pay lip service to the idea I am totally dependent on God, but it is no longer a struggle to get through the day without my "pet sin". I have other, more subtle, more respectable sins now. And I feel very capable, thank you very much, to....cope. And do, and produce. Interpreting. Ministry - both in my home church and for Bulgaria. Producing....an 89,000 word book about repentance and restoration from bulimia...which two publishers have requested. Thanks, God. I thank Him like I thank the cashier at Walmart; such has my spiritual apathy become.

Christmas just forces me to recognize it, as I'm supposed to be getting all spiritual and welcoming the coming of Christ again. Once again, I am struck by my own failure, yet somehow, I'm too apathetic to DO anything about it. Christmas is, for me, truly just another day. I sense it is for Christ Himself, too.

I had to think hard about my favorite things about Christmas; what I really take pleasure in. Being brutally honest, this is it:

1.) Shopping for Salvation Army Angel Tree kids and dropping the gifts off at the center. My kids enjoyed that, too, and we will think of them on Christmas morning.

2.) The massage chairs many department stores put out for customer use at this time of year. If I had one of those massage chairs, I would never leave the house.

3.) The praise team at my church - the Sunday before Christmas, they do a rockin' rendition of "Joy to the World". The lead singer, an African American gentleman, has such soul and a set of pipes to match that I can't help but smile and join in, even though I have no real joy.

That's literally it. Christmas brings up painful emotions that this year I simply cannot spend the energy dealing with. If I WERE to deal with my seasonal emptiness, it would certainly entail opening my Bible and praying a lot (that's my answer to everything, right?)

We will continue this discussion another time.