I rarely write about eating disorders anymore, even from a counseling perspective; and it's rarer still that I will re-post a secular article on the subject. However, this article from blogger Allison Epstein is so spot-on that I had to share it.
Personally, I have been "recovered" (I prefer the more biblical term "transformed") for so many years that these days, quite honestly, I don't even think about these things. From the very first sentence, I was taken back in time - to the childhood holiday tables of my youth, where, for some inexplicable reason, my weight and my brother Phil's grades were the hot topics of conversation. (My other brother, Jay, who was on Ritalin before it was fashionable, usually got a pass - his volatile temper generally exempted him from his misdemeanors being scrutinized at family gatherings.)
Stop commenting on peoples' weight. For the love of Pete, just STOP it. It's unnecessary. Seriously. who cares?
Anyway, excellent article with helpful advice that lets non-sufferers into the mind of eating-disordered people, and lets them know how they can be helpful to folks overcoming the ED mindset. Please read.
It's that time of year again: Thanksgiving. A time for food, family, friends, and football. Or, at my place, the National Dog Show, because puppies > football.
Actually, puppies > almost everything.
But for people dealing with an eating disorder (ED), the warm fuzzy aspects of Thanksgiving are often overshadowed by the looming threat in the middle of the holiday.
The giant meal, and all the emotional baggage that goes with it.
If you're hosting Thanksgiving for a guest with a history of food-related issues, you can't eliminate every single trigger from your table. But there are some small things you can do that will have a huge impact -- for them, and for all your guests.
1. Stop asking people if they've lost / gained weight
Say a relative you haven't seen in a year walks through the door. Within about 30 seconds, you can bet someone will exclaim, "Oh wow, you look fantastic. Have you lost weight?" (Weight gain could be remarked on, too -- though fatphobia tends to make people wary of doing so.)
This is a "don't" for three main reasons:
a. You're essentially saying, "Weight is the very first thing we notice in this house." I'm sure you can see why this isn't super-relaxing for guests in recovery.
b. You're not telling that person anything they don't already know. Obviously they look fantastic, whatever their weight. And if you aren't 110 percent sure their weight changes are intentional, not from stress / depression / chronic or invisible illnesses, just steer clear.
c. Weight is boring as hell. You're basically asking "Has your gravitational relationship with the earth altered slightly?"
*Yawn*
Ask how their job's going. Ask about their kids. Ask about that surprise twist last night on Scandal. Anything.
2. Talk about things other than food
"Isn't this turkey delicious?" might sound like a polite conversation-starter to you, but for someone with food-related stressors, it sounds like this:
"You aren't eating the turkey. I noticed. We're all watching you."
or
"You're eating so much of that turkey. I noticed. We're all watching you."
If food were the point of Thanksgiving, we could make an extravagant meal and eat it by ourselves any given Thursday, but we don't. The day's about togetherness and reconnecting with family (or friends, depending on how you choose to spend the holiday).
I'm not here to tell you what to talk about. You know your invitees better than I do. For example, at my house, I can guarantee you someone will shout "democratic socialism" at least once. And whatever your opinion on that, it's at least more interesting -- and less triggering -- than food.
3. Stop rationalizing your food choices
Stop me if you've heard this before:
"I skipped breakfast this morning, so it's OK if I have another slice of pie."
"Oh, I really shouldn't eat this! I'll go to the gym tomorrow morning."
Though you may not have a personal history with a restrictive ED, for someone who does, you're echoing the same kind of disordered thoughts they experience regularly.
And not only is this stressful, but it's also dangerously validating. "Normal" people think this way, they can reason, so it must be right, and I should keep doing it.
Newsflash: You can have dessert, and the world will not end. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. Also, no one really cares when you go to the gym.
Just eat your pie and carry on.
4. Put your bathroom scale away
This takes 30 seconds, and could save your guest so much stress. Why wouldn't you?
I could ask you why you need a scale anyway, since the weight-health correlation is sketchy at best, but that's an article for another day.
5. Don't use ED-specific language as a joke
"I wish I had the willpower to be anorexic -- I can't stop eating these rolls!"
"Ugh, I totally binged on sweet potato casserole."
I hear these things all the time. Please do not.
A simple "yum" or "I'm full" will suffice, thanks.
6. Offer something to do before and after the meal
It's not just the meal itself that can cause stress. Before and after dinner, negative thought cycling can really get out of control.
And while it's not your responsibility -- or within your power -- to make your guest think positive thoughts, you can offer distractions. By giving your guest something else to do, they can replace obsessive thoughts with more neutral, task-based ones.
Fortunately, this is Thanksgiving. I'm sure you have tons of things that need doing.
Ask for help doing the dishes. If they like kids, enlist them to entertain younger siblings and cousins. Go for a leisurely walk after dinner and talk about whatever comes to mind. If they know origami, have them help you make elaborately folded napkins for the table.
(This may just be part of my dream to have elaborately folded napkins at every meal. But the point stands.)
7. Don't make observations about what they're eating
Yes, even if the person is on a recovery-geared meal plan. There's enough food-related stress around Thanksgiving without someone reminding you to get XX carbohydrates on your plate.
Of course, if you're worried about the person's immediate well-being, don't ignore that. Thanksgiving shouldn't be an excuse to engage in disordered behaviors.
The National Eating Disorders Association has a toll-free helpline your guest can call if needed. And if they're on Twitter, they can use the #Thx4Support hashtag all day on Thanksgiving, where people are standing by to listen and offer real-time support.
But if that's not the case, and you're just concerned they're eating a bit too much or a bit too little, don't make a scene. They'll be fine. Trust that they're doing the best they can under unusually stressful circumstances.
---
You might notice a lot of these tips sound pretty general.
Don't engage in diet talk. Don't weigh yourself or judge others by your weight. Don't treat food as a moral indicator.
That's because the key to throwing a recovery-friendly Thanksgiving is simple: create a body-image safe space, and the rest will follow.
These tips aren't just for Thanksgiving -- they're for everyone, every day of the year.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there are puppies I should be watching.
___________________
If you're struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.
Follow Allison Epstein on Twitter: www.twitter.com/AllisonEpstein2
Most do agree they have a strong need to regularly have sugar. It's just the "harmful" part they don't accept and the addiction label.
Risks of Obesity
Yet, sugar is a major cause of obesity and the obese are at risk for a large number of diseases including: diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, cancer, stroke, gallbladder and liver diseases, gynecological problems such as infertility, respiratory problems, sleep apnea and colon, breast and endometrial cancers, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Not only that, for many it has become an addiction. Using sugar has become a strong, harmful, regular, urgent, overwhelming desire.
Truth
I had not heard about sugar addiction when God pulled back my curtain hiding the truth. However, I knew I was as soon as I heard a 30-year sober alcohol say, "Alcohol is one molecule away from sugar. Alcohol is liquid sugar."
I asked the question. "Can a person be addicted to sugar like others are addicted to alcohol or drugs?" His answer was, "You can be addicted to anything that controls you."
Sugar controlled me. I knew it.
That night I literally grieved thinking about giving up sugar, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it was what I had to do.
I handed my desire for sugar to God. I surrendered it. I laid it on the altar.
I cried out, "God I give up, but I can't walk this journey on my own. I need You. I need Your strength. On my own I am weak. I will give in if you don't nudge me. In my moments of weakness, will you remind me? I need Your grace. I need Your power. I want to be free."
For the first time, I meant it.
Freedom
Today, I have lost 260 pounds only by the grace-power of God. It is for freedom that Christ has set me free. So I will stand firm and not let myself be entangled again by a yoke of bondage.1
Here is the truth, if God and I can do it, you and God can do it. God can do anything, you know.2
His grace is enough. It's all you need. His power is made complete in your weakness.3
Oh, and the word no? I've learned to say, "No," for my health and sweet freedom.
1 Galatians 5:1
2 Epheisans 3:20
32 Corinthians 12:9
Many ask me advice about weight loss. I've developed a myriad of resources available on my website under the free and the products tabs. But by far the best resource isSweet Change Weight Loss Coaching and Accountability Group. I developed this group to help those just like I was, who need someone who understands the difficulties of extreme weight, someone to coach them through the process, someone who understands this journey is not just about what you eat and how you move, it's also about why you eat and why you don't move.
We are tri-part beings. We are a spirit, a soul and a body. Our parts are dependent upon each other. Although the problem may appear in your body, it is also related to your mind, emotions, will and spirit. We don't shy away from the tough realities. We have to change. It's part of the process. Change starts inside and moves to the outside. Weight loss is the by-product of total transformation.
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Teresa Shields Parker is a wife, mother, business owner, life group leader, speaker and author of Sweet Grace: How I Lost 250 Pounds and Stopped Trying to Earn God's Favor and Sweet Grace Study Guide: Practical Steps to Lose Weight and Overcome Sugar Addiction. Get a free chapter of her memoir on her blog at teresashieldsparker.com. Connect with her there or on her Facebook page.